What is a family?

Back again - but I haven't stopped writing about child development - it's just that I am busy on doing it in book format and got on a roll with this and other writings....

So here is a draft chapter on: What is a family?

First answer this for yourself......

What is a family? Whatever is your first definition – write it down and hold it in mind.

Now mentally add in-laws – then add children –[ and we’ll keep it at two kids for now]

Next we will have that couple divorce as that’s fairly common.

Then – we’ll have it be an amicable divorce and have each former spouse re-marry and remain in communication with their former spouses.

Now mix in the new in-laws and the already existing children of the “new” spouse.

Go back to your original family – the one with two kids – now how many “grandparents” do they have - how many aunts and uncles and cousins?

How does this “new” family allot time for everyone to spend with the “birth grandparents?” How do the divorced parents allot time so all kids get to spend time with “birth” parents all the while they try to have time to spend with each other? What if for some reasons they cannot coordinate their schedules with those of the other “birth” parent?

Now have these two new couples each have a child – does the new addition get to go visiting with it’s siblings when they go off to the “birth” parents home? Or does this new addition get to stay “home” and feel different?

This is a common scenario if you start with one divorce with each parent re-marrying. What if anyone of the members of the above family divorces again? And remarries again and again? What if the grandparents divorce? What if aunts and uncles divorce?

Can you visualize the amount of decision making that must go on to keep this “family” in contact with all its parts? It can get mind-boggling but many children live in this kind of complicated world and come out fine. For them – this IS their family. It may be different from that of their friends but it is a family.

I hate the term “broken” family – no family is broken – families are different – broken implies a negative that may or may not be there – much as a family that stays married can be either positive or negative. Marriage and divorce are not the biggest factors that define the quality of a family.

The same goes for adopted children – they dislike being asked about their “real” parents when one means the birth parents. The real parents are the ones raising them.

Our choice of words about families and relationships can create issues that are not there.

There are various family formations – the one we have in the USA is usually the nuclear family – two parents and their kids in one house. This is very rare in the rest of the world – it accounts for only about 1/3 of the world’s families. The rest of the world lives in many different arrangements and now even in the USA we are seeing more of those other arrangements. We have our parents move in with us to help with childcare – we live near our parents so they can provide childcare. We have live-in help or daily help for our children if both parents work.

We have single parents, gay and lesbian parents, dual career parents, couples who choose to not marry even when there are children, and couples who choose to remain childless. They are all “families.”

Now ask yourself: Is your definition of family the same as it was when you started reading these notes?

Lastly we now have a “new” generation – parents with their own minor children who are also the caregivers for their aging parents. Many are having children in their 30’s and 40’s [some even in their 60’s!] and as we are all living longer, the aging grandparents are in need of more support just as the children are in their teens or in college but still in need of parental support. I like the term “sandwich generation” as that is what it feels like – as opposed to the other term – middle generation squeeze. I speak from my own experience and that of many of my friends – it is a sandwich-like feeling – and one is emotionally torn.

Many of us who went through some trying times with our own aging parents have had long conversations with our own children about end of life issues and how to deal with potential changes in mental status, etc. It is an issue that many will be facing as we stay alive longer.

Happy family!