Behaving - what does it mean?

We all want our children to "behave." The eternal question is what does it mean to behave? Each family, each culture, each society has it's own "rules" for it's citizens. What I want my child to do may not be what you want your child to do so maybe it's better to talk in developmental generalities?

Behaving is means following the rules of your own society - but in order to do that, people need not only to know what the "rules" are but to have the ability to distinguish right from wrong. they also need to want to act in a correct way, and they need the ability to control themselves.

That's a lot to ask of most people, let alone young children. Here's an example of "behaving." Long ago, a friend came into her living room to find her 5-year-old carefully smearing toothpaste on a wooden tabletop. After counting to at least 20, she asked him "What are you doing?" "Mommy," the child said, "the toothpaste cleaned my teeth so good, I wanted to clean your table for you." She thanked him for helping her and proceeded to explain that just as there was a special cleaner for teeth, there was one for tables and showed him where the table cleaner was.

[Before going on I do have to add that we now know that toothpaste is a good cleaner for tables and this kid was way ahead of the curve on this : -)]

Many parents might have said " Don't do that" or punished the child in some way....But what did this child learn about "rules?" He learned there are other ways to be helpful [wood polish] , that he was a good kid for helping mommy, and that we can discuss behaviors. The child may not have been aware at the time that all this was being learned, but it was a step on the path to making decisions about himself and his behavior.